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Relating Well to Our Adult Children

 


One of life’s great joys is watching our children grow into adults. This also brings the challenge of learning how to relate to them once they reach that stage. Parenting adult children is very different from parenting minors. The authority we once held no longer fits the relationship. Some families enjoy close, easy connections characterized by mutual respect and shared faith. Others experience distance, tension, regrets, or unresolved hurt. Many of us go through both.

The good news is that Scripture provides a realistic and hopeful framework for navigating these relationships, one rooted in humility, grace, wisdom, and trust in God’s ongoing work.

As Paul reminds us:

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18, ESV)

That verse recognizes both our responsibility and our limits. We can't control outcomes, but we can choose how we show up.

From Authority to Influence

One of the most significant shifts we encounter is transitioning from authority to influence. Adult children are accountable before God for their own choices. Parents no longer give direct orders; instead, we act as counselors, encouragers, and companions.

Scripture affirms this transition. Genesis tells us that adult children “leave” their parents to establish their own households (Genesis 2:24). Proverbs reminds us that wise counsel draws out the heart; it doesn’t control it (Proverbs 20:5). Parents still offer wisdom, but now it must be welcomed, not imposed (Proverbs 1:8). In practice, this often means slowing down before speaking. It may involve asking permission before offering advice, respecting their schedules and priorities, and honoring household choices that differ from our own.

This shift can be humbling. It asks us to examine habits that worked when our children were young but may now strain the relationship. Letting go of control does not mean letting go of care; it means expressing that care in new ways.

Cultivating Respect Instead of Control

Scripture calls adult children to honor their parents, but it also places responsibility on parents to behave honorably.

Paul’s words are instructive:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” (Ephesians 6:4, ESV)
“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21, ESV)

Although often linked to raising young children, these warnings remain crucial throughout life. In adult relationships, provoking or embittering behaviors might manifest as constant criticism, dismissiveness, unsolicited corrections, or conversations that feel more like lectures than genuine listening. Respect grows when we communicate with our adult children as independent individuals, striving to understand before trying to fix, recognizing their strengths, and showing authentic interest in their lives. Respect cannot be forced; it is earned through humility and love.

Gospel Pathways for Healing Strained Relationships

Some relationships with adult children have deeper wounds. In those cases, the gospel provides clear but often challenging paths to healing.

Begin with Humble Self-Examination

Jesus calls us to start with ourselves:

“First take the log out of your own eye.” (Matthew 7:5, ESV)

James echoes this posture:

“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak.” (James 1:19, ESV)

This may require honest reflection on how we’ve been harsh, controlling, emotionally distant, or dismissive. For some, it might involve writing a thoughtful letter or starting a gentle conversation not to defend ourselves, but to listen.

Confess Clearly and Without Excuses

Scripture encourages confession:

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive.” (1 John 1:9, ESV)
“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper.” (Proverbs 28:13, ESV)

True confession states specific actions without explanations or blame. It recognizes impact, not just intent. A sincere apology does not include “but you…” — It respects the other person’s experience.

Extend Forgiveness with Wisdom

Paul urges us:

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32, ESV)

Forgiveness can be given even when trust needs time to be rebuilt. It does not erase boundaries, nor does it require immediate reconciliation. Sometimes forgiveness is the first step toward healing; sometimes it is an act of obedience that guards our hearts from bitterness.

Establish Loving Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are not punishments; they are protections. Scripture encourages guarding our hearts (Proverbs 4:23), and even Jesus modeled the need for limits (Mark 1:35–38). Clear expectations around time, finances, and emotional energy can preserve relationships rather than damage them. Boundaries work best when communicated calmly and in advance, with clarity about what we can and cannot do.

Building Patterns of Grace-Filled Communication

Strong relationships are rarely built through grand gestures. More often, they grow through consistent, ordinary habits.

Paul writes:

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up.” (Ephesians 4:29, ESV)

Proverbs adds:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath.” (Proverbs 15:1, ESV)

Healthy communication might include asking open-ended questions, respecting preferred communication styles (texts, calls, visits), and remembering important moments in their lives. Small acts of attention often speak louder than advice.

Entrusting Our Adult Children to God

Perhaps the most difficult yet freeing lesson is this: we cannot rescue, fix, or sanctify our children. Only God can.

Scripture invites us to release our anxiety:

“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7, ESV)

And to trust His ongoing work:

“He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.” (Philippians 1:6, ESV)

Jesus’ parable in Luke 15 reminds us that even the most loving father allowed his son’s choices, trusting God’s timing rather than resorting to manipulation. This trust also frees us from the burden of perfection. None of us parent flawlessly. God’s grace covers both our children and us.

Closing Thoughts and A Prayer

Building a good relationship with adult children is an ongoing process, not a checklist. Scripture encourages us toward:

  • Influence rather than control
  • Respect rather than provocation
  • Confession rather than defensiveness
  • Forgiveness rather than bitterness
  • Trust in God rather than self-reliance

A Prayer

Lord,
We lift our families to You.
Bring healing where there are wounds, wisdom where conversations are difficult, and courage to take first steps toward reconciliation.
Help us speak with grace, listen with humility, and trust You with what we cannot fix.
May Your mercy shape our relationships and Your peace guard our hearts.
Amen.

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