The Slow-Cooked Beauty of Friendship

 Friendship in retirement isn’t always easy. Many of us have seen relationships drift as careers wind down, kids move away, and routines shift. However, according to Brad Hambrick’s Transformative Friendships: 7 Questions to Deepen Any Relationship, our later years can be some of the richest when it comes to cultivating meaningful, soul-enriching friendships.

Drawing from Proverbs 27:17 (“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another”) and Proverbs 18:24 (“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”), Hambrick reminds us that friendship is both simple and meaningful. The trick isn’t to make relationships perfect, but to gently, intentionally deepen them.

Seven Simple Questions

The heart of Hambrick’s message is built around seven questions. They aren’t complicated. In fact, they’re so basic that they might seem too easy at first glance. But when used consistently—and with genuine curiosity—they can help move a relationship from small talk to something truly life-giving. Here they are:

1. What’s your story?
2. What’s good?
3. What’s hard?
4. What’s bad?
5. What’s fun?
6. What’s stuck?
7. What’s next?

You can think of these questions as tools for gradually uncovering the layers of another person’s life. “What’s good?” opens the door to gratitude. “What’s hard?” and “What’s stuck?” give permission to be honest. “What’s next?” helps you dream forward together. These questions aren’t meant to interrogate—they’re intended to invite.

The Tree and Its Roots

Hambrick uses the image of a tree to describe friendship. Some relationships are like saplings—wide but shallow. Others are like old oaks, rooted deep. The goal isn’t to have all our friendships reach the deepest level, but to move every relationship forward, step by step, to the degree the other person is willing.

We might have many level one friendships—people we chat with casually—and just a few level 5 friendships, where there’s mutual trust, vulnerability, and shared history. That’s normal. But what matters is intentional movement: gradually deepening the friendships we already have.

Crockpot, Not Microwave

We live in a microwave culture, but friendship develops more like a crockpot: slowly, over time. Hambrick encourages us to think in terms of rhythms and habits, not tasks or checklists. The goal isn’t to reach some perfect “score” of friendship (though he jokingly suggests that a friendship where all 7 questions have been explored deeply would be a perfect 35!). Realistically, very few of us can maintain many friendships at that level. But we can commit to growth—bit by bit, one meaningful conversation at a time.

Friendship as Mutual Care

Hambrick emphasizes that friendship isn’t just about having someone to lean on—it’s about mutual care and awareness. It’s about noticing. It’s about remembering. It’s about showing up. Whether we’re asking, “What’s been hard this week?” or “What’s bringing you joy?” we choose to be present in someone else’s story.

As we reflected on this in our group, it became clear that these ideas aren’t just theory—they’re practical. Most of us already have friendships that could deepen with a few thoughtful questions, and most of us long for relationships that go a little deeper than the surface.

A Gentle Challenge

So here’s a gentle challenge to all of us: The next time we meet a friend for coffee, what if we try one of these seven questions? What if we let the conversation linger a little longer in the quiet spaces of honesty, faith, or even struggle?

We’re not aiming for perfection. We aim for incremental growth and friendships that become more redemptive and life-giving as we go. Over time, those slow-cooked friendships may become some of the richest gifts we carry in this season of life.